I don't feel like i'm in college though. I don't feel like I belong in college. But hopefully that will change as time goes on, and I will feel like I'm smarter soon. I just need to get into things.
So basically I'm down in California now, at California Institute of the Arts
. Founded by the Disney brothers, or something like that. I'm not going to go into that, though.
I'm in the dance program. Obviously. Because i have not other artistic capabilities besides dance, currently. But, as one of my friends was saying one night, we are the jocks of the school, since we are an arts school which has no sports teams. So that's a little exciting.
Classes started last week. I made it to the second level of ballet, while I'm in the lowest modern level. I'm happy about this though, because all my friends are in the lowest levels for both. So I feel like a really cool ballerina, haha~ The students here are also more modern based, so even the older dancers in my class are not so great at ballet, so it's a little bit of a confidence booster. I just need to remember not to settle, and that I can always do better. I see plenty of mistakes in my dancing already, though.
I think my favorite class, although I haven't actually done anything for it really, is my "Doubles in Arts and Cultures" class. It has something to do with "doubles," which are things like dolls, mannequins, portraits, actors, mirrors, and other things. It can also have to do with abstract things like coincidence, which I'm excited to hear about. I honestly don't know a lot about it, but it seems like it'll be really interesting and the assignments seem fun. The assignment for either this week or next week was to find our "googleganger," but the teacher didn't tell us what to do for the assignment, so I couldn't do it this week if it is due. If it's what I think it is, though, finding a person with our name on google, I'll have a good one. I've done it before and found a gay man, possibly an activist, who died on my birthday
, or shares my birthday, and now has some sort of place named after him. That was recent too.
I realized before actually getting any assignments that I have no idea how I'm going to deal with them. Internet school did not prepare me for this one, hahaha. But really, I'm just not a motivated person. I'm not very motivated about anything.. It's kind of irritating to me. It's not even just about schoolwork, it's like... a lot of things. I literally do not feel like I'm in college. I feel like I'm just away from school at some summer course. I don't even feel like I'm a part of the school. I feel like I've been acting oddly lately too, like I'll say something and then have some sort of out of body experience, or something like that, thinking about how that's not something I feel like I would say. I guess maybe I'm just changing, and feel like I'm losing myself? We talked about that in my doubles class, about how when we change we feel like we're losing a part of ourselves, but it's not necessarily a bad thing. I feel weird though. It's also kind of like, sometimes I don't even consider myself a person at all so now I guess I'm just developing a personality.
I just need to learn how to focuuus! Yaaay focuus! Get shit done.
My roommate is a nice guy. He's a dancer as well, so we have basically the same schedule. I find him incredibly obnoxious, though. He has this weird way of speaking where all of his words are kind of jumbled, and one of my friends pointed out his lower jaw is kind of forward, so I suppose it's probably from that. He really is a sweet guy, always trying to be nice and stuff, but he just... The way he acts bugs me, like he'll laugh really enthusiastically when the teacher makes a joke he thinks is funny, or say stupid additions to jokes in the class but only loud enough for the people around him to hear, and like look over to see that people are smiling at what he said. And when he talks, he always starts out kind of shaky, gets his ground to get his point across, and then he just blows it off with some sort of comment to the effect of, "well that's how I see it, maybe it's not true though.." I just think if I'm in close proximity with anyone I will not like them hahaha. Maybe if we weren't roommates I'd like him better. Oh well, whatever, it's fine. Not like he's unbearable.
I'm not going to request a dancer next year...
OH. And, the quirkiest thing he does, he has a boy sleep with him every night. They're not having sex, or even fooling around to my knowledge, but they sleep together in their underwear, in his bed. I don't even think they're even involved with each other beyond friends... It's like some sleepover or something. Every night. I'm too much of a push over to say anything about it. It doesn't really bug me too much, besides the fact that sometimes I just want to sit alone and listen to my music and get shit done. Only half of one of those things happens now.
There's a 24 hour sauna in our dorms, as well as the clothing-optional pool, and from the people who were here last year me and my friends heard it didn't work all last year. Luckily, they just didn't know how to turn it on, so my friends and I learned how to work it and we've been doing that basically every night. it's really nice, although I hate it at the same time.
Oh, I have my first boyfriend interaction last week. I feel disgusting for it. This boy I met in April, who I only spoke like two words to, decided to awkwardly have a date with me last Tuesday. We met again in class, ended up having lunch (in a group) together, and then he ended up showing up at Michael's when my friends and I went out to buy notebooks. I gave him my number there, and he ended up asking to hangout that night. Of course, I didn't think this would really be a date, because he was going on and on about his boyfriend earlier in the day. But my friends assured me, and they did so correctly. Basically we walked around the campus and he told me a lot about himself. I would have told him about myself, but I don't consider anything that's happened in my life interesting enough to be of another person's interest. So it was mostly him talking. Part of the night was also spent with him skating around whether I was gay or not. Thaaat was fun. Not.
We ended up at his room, because my whiteboard on my door said something to the effect of "Phil's got a date!" and I was too embarrassed to let him see that. Then for whatever reason he just hugged me, and that was weird. Like this weird, awkward embrace. And then he was like let's make out, and for whatever reason I agreed. It was the most awkward thing I've ever done with another person, I was sitting there with my eyes open thinking, why am I doing this? I think there is just no connection like that between us.
He also has this weird touchy thing. He likes to poke, and caress, I guess? I used to do that with my friends, poke them on the nose or whatever. But that is a gigantic turn off. I'm so embarrassed that I ever did that to someone now. I need to never do that again.
So basically, I just feel dirty because within one day, several hours really, I was making out with him. And it wasn't even that I really wanted to either. I just feel dirty, and easy. I'm glad he didn't push further or I'd feel like a whore. I obviously need to work on that.
Some other things have happened since then. My friends use the sauna basically every day, and he's come in a few times. One time he said to his roommate, also in the sauna, that his boyfriend was worried he was going to cheat on him. As in, the boy who made out with me was going to cheat on his boyfriend. He had told me that he had his boyfriend were in an open relationship, and it really does not seem that way. So Friday I finally attempted to make it a point that nothing would probably happen between us, but I don't think he took the hint completely. He just thinks I'll take time. At least that's what I assume he is thinking.
But anyway, now I told him I'm not ready for that type of thing this early in the year, so I can't get with anyone else for a while. And I think that is a good thing. Not that there are even any other guys I'm even interested, much less would they be interested in me, but I really don't need that kind of distraction.
I got work study, finally, last Friday. My friend and I both got it, so we'd been sending out emails to all the jobs we were interested in, but we kept getting denied, or the teachers just would not email us back. So the other day we found out by the end of the month our work study would be taken away if we did not have a job, and we went frantically searching for jobs. We ended up finding two jobs in the dance department, she's working in the theater, and I'm working filming dance shows and classes and whatever else. I'm excited, because I'll get to learn all about filming and working cameras and doing DVDs and stuff, plus I get to go to all the shows and actually get payed to be there. Also, the teacher in charge is this really enthusiastic Italian lady who has an infectious laugh and seems very goofy. So it should be fun!
College life is interesting so far, I guess. I'm interested to see how it can push me as a person, although I know I'll have to push myself a lot of the way. I just really think (okay I'm about to get very corny here) that I need to find myself and become comfortable with it, and be able to be more loud in voicing my opinions and myself.
One of my friends back at home made a goal with me that we will both find boyfriends this year.
My new friends from here have made goals for me, which include getting high, drunk, laid, learning to ride a bike, getting a tattoo (possibly) and getting a piercing. Learning to swim may be on there as well.
But for myself, I think I'd just like to explore and understand myself. And that ain't gonna happen, probably.
So there's an update of my life. I haven't posted here in ages, and probably wont post here for quite some time again. Well, there's always the possibility. It was nice just writing this stuff up.
Wish me luck in college! I think I need it.
This is me being soooo super productive at a homework session with some of my friends in colleeege~ Yaaay colleeege.